Lesbian Love Bombing: A Personal and Community Wake-Up Call

"Jane" bowled me over from the beginning. She was articulate, funny, a great storyteller, and had read a lot of my favorite books. Within days of connecting long-distance, she started sending me several emails a day about how amazing I was, and how she had manifested our meeting through her dreamwork. She could tell, she said, that I hadn't been well-loved, and she thought she had a lot to offer me.

I got hooked. 

I didn't realize it at the time, but Jane was love-bombing me. And I, swept up in the fantasy, love-bombed her right back. Like kids throwing sand at each other in the sandbox tend to say, “She started it!” But I, too, ended up saying things I had no business saying, after just a few weeks of emailing. "I absolutely know this relationship will work," I gushed, before ever meeting her in person. 

No. I didn't know that. No one can know that. And thinking you do, and telling someone else you do, is compelling and damaging. 

So, let's back up from my personal story and take a more objective look at lesbian or queer women's love bombing: who does it, why we do it, and how and why it gets us into trouble. 

1. What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a rapid, overwhelming expression of romantic interest. The lesbian love bomber often floods their new love interest with messages, compliments, gifts, and declarations. While some love bombers act with manipulative intent, many don’t. They may be lonely, anxious, trying to cement a promising connection, or just swept away by fantasy and wishful thinking - just like Jane and me. 

The funny thing is, a couple of weeks after starting my intense long-distance connection with Jane, I had a dream in which she was telling me, "Oh, I always lay it on thick in the beginning." I woke feeling almost paralyzed by fear, and brought it up with her in our nightly phone call. She hesitated thoughtfully. "Maybe I am that person." 

"No, you couldn't be," I reassured her, and myself. "Because if you were, you'd never admit it!" That was me going into denial. Where there is a lesbian love bomber, there is usually someone in denial, because it really does take two to tango.

2. Why Does Love Bombing Work So Well?

Many queer women have lived through trauma, internalized homophobia, and chronic loneliness. Love bombing can feel like rain in the desert. It’s affirming, seductive, and disarms critical thinking. The brain, flooded with feel-good chemicals, leaps ahead into fantasy that feels like reality. When Jane was sending me those emails, they felt like nectar. I desperately wanted them to be true. 

3. Why Is Lesbian Or Queer Women's Love Bombing So Toxic?

Because it’s too fast, and based on fantasy, not lived experience. Real intimacy and trust are earned. If someone knows you well, knows your quirks and weaknesses, and adores you just as you are, it's life-giving. But when someone sees only the best in you, projects onto you, and bombards you with "love" early on, it's not true love, and it's not trustworthy. And when the inevitable crash follows—when the lesbian love bomber gets scared, cold, or critical—it can leave you shattered. 

It took me many hard, painful months to get over Jane (after we met in person and had a tumultuous time of it.) In hindsight, I can see that the red flags were clear from our first two weeks of phone calls, but because her love bombing felt so good, I didn't let myself see them. 

4. Is It Lesbian Love, or Is It Lesbian Love Bombing?

Two women together go into more limerence, faster, than couples of other genders. Limerence is an intoxicating rush of brain chemicals that make your connection feel like magic. Many of us believe those messages, and think we've found "the one." But real connection involves self-awareness. Compatibility can only be determined over time. So if someone says, “You’re my soulmate” after one date, or even five dates, it's not grounded. You might have the potential for love, but you're simply not there yet. So if either or both of you is jumping the gun and making major, dramatic declarations of love, a future together, or just how amazing she is -- you're in love-bombing territory. 

5. Lesbian Love Bombing Actually Works Against Healthy Love

It might seem like coming on strong is a great way to start a relationship -- but it's actually not true. Instead, going so fast creates a premature bond that ends up freaking out one or both people. For instance, as I felt myself becoming so strongly attached to Jane before even meeting in person, a part of me started not wanting to see what I saw, not wanting to actually learn more about who she was -- because it was so scary to disrupt the fantasy. When you go so deep, so fast, you're just not on solid ground. 

6. Red Flags to Watch For

• Excessive compliments very early

• Fantasies about your shared future right away

• Daily or constant texting before deep mutual knowing

• Spending hours on the phone daily

• Having dates that last 12-24 hours or even more

• Starting to functionally live together or spend all your time together very quickly

• Getting hurt or offended if you try to slow things down

7. How to Get Out of a Love Bombing Dynamic

First, recognize it. If something feels too good or fast to be true, pause.

Second, speak up. “I really like you, too, but we don't know each other very well yet. I'd really like us to slow down so we can create a genuine connection, not go off into flights of fantasy." 

Third, observe their response. Do they respect your boundary, or do they get hurt, mad or offended, or just keep right on love bombing? If the latter, cut it off. Tell her the connection isn't right for you, and then block her. Otherwise, she'll keep right on bombing.  

8. Is Love Bombing More Common Among Lesbians and Queer Women?

Yes. We're romantic, emotionally intense, and often carrying trauma from our childhoods, from life in a homophobic culture, or from our previous relationships (in which we likely went too fast - because lesbians and queer women usually do.)

Many lesbians equate speed and intensity with love. Two women together tend to dive deeper, faster, and often it feels great to both of us at first. The problem is that we're creating a shaky foundation when we do this. When you start building your universe in a person you've only known for a week or a month or two, you're likely to freak out - and if you don't, she will. Spending all your time together isn't proof that you're meant to be together, and it actually lowers the odds that you'll build a long-term connection.

Final Thoughts

The remedy for love-bombing is to learn how to calibrate your attachment, know yourself well, go into dating in a well-resourced and resilient state – it helps a lot to have lesbian and queer community support! – and then take time to regulate your nervous system and check in with your “conscious dating buddies” between contact. Slow the contact down.

As I often say in Conscious Girlfriend Academy classes, texting is attachment behavior. One of the worst things lesbians can do is immediately start sending good morning and good night texts to someone you’ve just met. It’s like mainlining heroin into your attachment system – all those texts are telling your brain, “This is your person, this is your person!” when you don’t even know them.

That’s why we use the tape measure as an empowerment symbol in our conscious lesbian dating classes – to remind us all to slow down! If it’s real, it’s worth it. If it’s not real, slowing down will give you time to realize that before you dive in too deep and risk too much.

If you're not yet ready for a class, at least you owe it to yourself to read the Conscious Girlfriend book, Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love. You can start reading it for free right here. 

You deserve real lesbian love—grounded, mutual, and lasting. Not a love bomb.