Jenny was lonely. She'd been through a bad breakup and was crying a lot, trying to keep herself from texting her ex, when a friend encouraged her to join a lesbian Facebook group to take her mind off things. 

Her friend had encouraged Jenny to "put herself back out there." Someone at work had cracked, "The way to get over someone is to get under someone else." And as a kid growing up on a ranch in Texas, Jenny had often heard that she should "get back on the horse that threw her." So she waded in.

Soon Jenny began getting text messages from several women. One of them, Lois, was especially attentive. She actually asked Jenny questions, and remembered the answers. Soon Jenny stopped communicating with the others.

A lot of the questions Lois asked were sexual. Jenny had never been pursued like this. Lois paid attention to what Jenny said she wanted, and flirted with her. Jenny's self-esteem zoomed upward. They texted frequently (Lois had asked for Jenny's cell number early on), and although they had never actually spoken by voice, Jenny felt more hopeful than she had ever felt about love. 

Seon, Jenny was dreaming about the day she and Lois could meet in person and actually share the beautiful encounters they kept texting about. "Sweetie my whole body aches for you - can't we at least talk on the phone?" she texted one night. Lois got angry. "What do u mean dont u trust me!!!" she texted back. Jenny backed off. 

Things went on like this for several more weeks. Lois sent sexy pictures and told Jenny how much she loved her, but there was always a reason why she couldn't speak on the phone, much less Facetime.

Then one day Lois texted "hun i am in trouble plz help"

"Are u ok? What happened" Jenny texted back. 

"My kid got taken to jail my baby is in jail. I need to pay bail money ASAP"

Jenny felt scared, but Lois had lit up Jenny's whole world, and Jenny was a romantic. There was nothing she wouldn't do for love.  

"How much u need?" Jenny wrote.

"Bail is 10K I need it 2morrow" Lois wrote.

Jenny's heart sank. "I don't have it. I wish I did. But I don't." 

"My baby!!!! U know what's gonna happen to him in jail! U are my girl I just know u will help."

"I did get an offer 4 a cash advance," Jenny wrote back hesitantly. She knew she couldn't tell anyone about this. They would urge her not to send Lois money. But she felt in her heart it was the right thing to do. 

She couldn't get the whole $10,000 from that card, but the next day, she wired Lois $5000 with a promise of more. 

If you had taken Conscious Girlfriend Academy classes, you would never fall for this. But if you haven't heard how the scammers work, and you're lonely, you're vulnerable. 

"Baby I still need more can't get him out with this. u no I luv u am counting on u pretty girl u are my world plz plz help," Lois wrote. 

"I'll come thru 4 u baby," Jenny wrote, her heart in her throat. The next day, she sent $3000 more. She never heard from "Lois" again. 

OK, so you might be reading this, thinking, "I'd never fall for that!" Think again.

"Lois" was not the most sophisticated scammer. Many are much, much better at their game. AI can spit out paragraphs that sound like a college professor, a comedian, or a drama queen, in just a few seconds. 

Or perhaps "Lois" was sophisticated. The persona she adopted was one that fit for Jenny. "Lois" and her kind could very well message you quite differently. 

Scammers are everywhere, online and offline. But they are especially bad in the lesbian online world, for a few reasons:

1. Many lesbians are closeted or semi-closeted, so they are less likely to talk to their friends and family about their new correspondents. 

2. Lesbian breakups are often especially painful, leaving women shattered and especially vulnerable. 

3. Straight women are often pretty cynical about men. They know men often try to use them. But lesbians tend to trust women, or those who pose as women. 

4. As a minority community, lesbians and queer people often feel a sense of scarcity about dating and relationship prospects -- leaving us, you guessed it, more vulnerable. 

5. For all of these reasons, the online lesbian world has become a mecca for scammers. They've moved on from simply posting on online dating sites and lesbian Facebook groups, to actually creating lesbian Facebook groups and even generic lesbian dating sites, where they can operate without interference. Lonely lesbians are big business. 

But guess what? The online world is also full of sincere, amazing women who are looking for love, and with whom you may actually be compatible. So, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

If you are serious about looking for love, you owe it to your heart to get savvy! A class like Conscious Girlfriend's Lesbian Dating Essentials course will not only help you avoid scammers, but also help you recognize who's right for you, and get ready to be right for her, too.

It's actually not hard at all to protect yourself if you follow a few simple safety tips like these: 

1. Do not message with anyone for more than two days without a video chat. Messaging can lead you to feel bonded with someone who doesn't even exist. If she won't talk on the phone or video chat quickly, there's a good chance "she" isn't real. 

2. Do not consider yourself "in a relationship" until you meet in person and explore compatibility with someone the way we describe in the Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love book, not just over a few days, but over several months. 

3. Do not engage in "sexting" until you have met in person. We tend to bond quickly as soon as sexual feelings are involved. Sex, even by text, makes you more vulnerable. 

4. If at all possible, tell friends about your correspondence, and listen to their intuition as well as your own. Isolation makes you vulnerable. 

5. Do not send money to anyone you have only met online. Ever. 

6. Know your vulnerabilities and be on the lookout for someone who might be exploiting them. Real, trustworthy connection needs to grow slowly, over time, with phone and video-chat and in-person contact, not just messaging. 

7. Recognize common signs of scammers. Many of them post on lesbian dating sites or apps with super-hot pictures and very few words, like "Looking for my soulmate," or "Seeking friends and more, DMs are open," or "I'm so-and-so, hope I'm welcome here." If "she" looks like a young femme supermodel, showing lots of cleavage and/or her butt hanging out of her shorts, it's often a telltale sign. Often, these pictures are actually AI-generated. 

Many scammers will also private-message you with generic messages like "Hello dear" ("dear" is a giveaway), or "Hello beautiful."

But, some scammers have gotten more sophisticated than that.

Here are examples I just saw today:

"Kay Granger" shows photos of "herself" as an ordinary-looking woman in her 60s and posts "Good morning" posts daily on multiple lesbian sites to build trust. Then she starts private-messaging people and asking for money. By the time you are reading this, "Kay" may have shifted to some other name and photo, but with a similar strategy.

"Bev Schwartz" posts pictures of "herself" as a very attractive butch woman. Scammers have realized that we've all got our types. Other fakers post about being lonely and looking for community. They can mention a breakup or divorce, or other things that make them seem more real. 

So, you cannot tell who is who -- and you certainly can't know who is right for you, even if she's real! -- without following the above steps. 

The real person who can light up your life for real does exist. And you'll light up her world, too. But just as you wouldn't walk down a city street holding a wallet stuffed full of cash in your hand, you need to make sure you're not making your heart an easy target. 

Honestly, once you do meet a real person, your journey doesn't end there -- it begins! You'll need to graduate to a whole new level of discernment around compatibility! That's what Conscious Girlfriend Academy is here to help you develop and prepare for. (And once you've got our genuine community, you'll be much more able to discern.)

Meanwhile, if you or someone you know has fallen prey to a scammer, please know there's no shame in it. Share your story. We need to hear it. And please, share this email widely. Post this on lesbian FB groups, in Meetups, and send it to your friends.

And if you're looking for real connection online, consider joining the Conscious Girlfriend Academy Facebook group. We are screening it very carefully. And as they say, "If you see something, say something." We can wise up and protect ourselves and each other together. 

Much love,

Ruth

P.S. It is free and takes 5 minutes to start a "lesbian" group on Facebook. New ones are popping up all the time. Just today, I concluded that the groups "Single Lesbians 35+," "Single Lesbians Over 40," "Late Blooming Lesbians," and "Lesbians Dating Sites" seem to be scammer-run. All of these groups appear to have real women and queer people posting in them, too. Please share this message so we can take care of ourselves. 

I've focused on lesbian Facebook groups here because I've been diving into that world to better understand how to operate the new Conscious Girlfriend Facebook group. But versions of this same story play out on the dating apps and sites, too. A quick Google search like "buy dating site profiles" will show you just how it's done. This expose gives an overview.

Yet the answer is not to give up making online contact.  Especially in a post-and-ongoing-COVID world, for a minority community like ours, grappling with homophobia and epidemic loneliness, that's just not realistic. And, 80% of new lesbian couples meet online! So instead of giving up that lifeline, just take common-sense precautions, so you can find real people to connect with.