How Do I Become a Lesbian? A Heartfelt Guide for Women Exploring Their Truth

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “How do I become a lesbian?," you’re not alone, and your question is more common than you might think. First, let’s take a deep breath together. This isn’t a silly or wrong question. It’s actually a powerful, brave beginning.

Understanding What You're Really Asking

You may not really be asking how to change your orientation (which likely isn't possible), but rather, how to better understand yourself, and how to connect with other women who are also exploring their interest in women, or who have been out as lesbians for awhile already. 

You might be yearning to live more authentically, and make sense of feelings you've ignored or suppressed in the past. And, you might have questions like: 

• Is it too late for me to explore love with women?
• Can I really trust my attraction to women, even if it’s new or confusing?
• Is it really possible that I could be a lesbian but not have known it before?
• Could I have enjoyed sex with men and/or fallen in love with men in my past, yet still be a lesbian?
• What steps can I take to move toward a more authentic life?

If you resonate with any of those questions, you’re in the right place.

Being a Lesbian Isn’t Something You “Become” Like Flipping a Switch

Sexual orientation isn’t a decision you make in a single moment—it’s a process of self-discovery. Some women know they’re lesbians from childhood. Others don’t realize it until their 30s, 50s or even later. Some feel a lifelong attraction to both women and men, and may claim a bisexual or queer identity before later choosing to date only women.

So if you’re wondering whether you might be a lesbian, the most important step is listening to yourself, gently and without judgment.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Try exploring these questions with curiosity, not pressure:

• Who do I find myself emotionally or physically drawn to?
• When I imagine an ideal relationship, what kind of person is by my side?
• Are there moments in my past that felt “different” or meaningful—perhaps a crush, a longing, or a deep connection with another woman?

You don’t have to have all the answers. You’re allowed to be questioning. You’re allowed to change and grow.

Many of us were never given the information that there is a whole vast menu of relationship styles.  It can be overwhelming at first to try to decide what you actually want, but Conscious Girlfriend Academy classes can help We’ll walk you through the process of better identifying your values, dreams, conflict style, attachment needs and relationship vision. 

Moving Toward Your Truth

If you feel ready to begin exploring your identity as a lesbian or queer woman, here are some gentle steps:

• Connect with community, whether in person or online. Safe spaces like the Conscious Girlfriend Academy are made for exactly this kind of journey. Our classes are welcoming to all women who love women, or want to, and our Deep Dive group coaching is especially supportive because it really gives you the space to lean in to your own questions. 
   
• Consider talking with a lesbian coach who can really support your journey. Conscious Girlfriend Academy offers coach training and certification, and several of our coaches came out later in life themselves and offer free brief initial consultations. You can >find them on our Conscious Girlfriend Coaches page. 
   
• Give yourself permission to explore dating, connection, and love—at your own pace. One great way to get ready is to read the book Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love, and/or take one of the 12-week classes that have emerged from the book. 

You Don’t Have to Know Everything Now

Sexual orientation isn’t about fitting into a box. It’s about moving toward what’s true for you. Whether you end up identifying as lesbian, bi, queer, or something else, what matters most is that you’re living in alignment with your heart.

So perhaps the better question isn’t “How do I become a lesbian?” but rather, “How can I come home to who I really am?”

We’re here to walk that path with you. Want to chat with us one on one to learn more about how the Conscious Girlfriend Academy could support your lesbian or queer heart? >Reach out here. 

"But I don't love myself," Donna said with tears in her eyes. "I know I'm supposed to, but I just don't. So it seems unfair when people tell me that until I love myself, I'm not going to be able to find a good relationship. Isn't it okay to just need love from someone else?"

I got where she was coming from. If loving yourself feels like an unimaginable state, a barrier you can't imagine overcoming, then does that mean you're stuck without love from anyone else, too?

Donna is in her 60s and is a survivor of a tough childhood and some very painful adult relationships. Although she can understand the idea of loving herself, and wish for it, these life experiences have made it hard for her to get there. She's clear she never wants an abusive relationship again. But she doesn't love herself. Does that mean she's stuck alone?  

That would be tragic!

So, let me debunk that myth. No, I don't believe you need to love yourself before someone else can love you. 

But, here's what I do believe: you have to have the capacity to let good love in. Otherwise, you can find someone who loves you, but the relationship will be a massive exercise in frustration and pain for both of you. 

Fortunately, there are simple practices anyone can do, to open this gateway to self-kindness and the ability to take kindness in from outside of you. 

Feel like you're your own worst enemy or harshest critic? Many women feel that way. The good news is, it can change. 

Your brain is not literally plastic. But you, like me and all of us, have neuroplasticity, meaning you are capable of learning, and as you learn, your brain will literally re-shape itself. Neural pathways will develop, like trails being cut through the woods. And the more you use those trails, the easier it will be to walk on them.