How to Feel Confident and Empowered Giving Lesbian Oral Sex (a.k.a Going Down On A Woman Or Eating Pussy)

Oral sex between women can be one of the most intimate, pleasurable, and deeply connecting experiences you can share. But it can also be scary, awkward, or downright unpleasant. If you feel nervous, unsure, or even inadequate, you’re not alone. Many lesbians and queer women, regardless of age or experience, carry shame or fear about our bodies, pleasure, and performance.

Check out our empowering class on this topic here

The good news is that confidence is not something you’re born with. It’s something you can build. And empowerment isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present, informed, and connected.

Here's one of my favorite quotes about lesbian oral sex, written by the inimitable A.E. Osworth and published in the great lesbian/queer online mag Autostraddle:

All bodies are different, and different bodies like different sensations, which is why across-the-board sex advice on lesbian oral sex is impossible. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve gone down on zero people or one hundred — when you’re going down on someone for the first time, it’s as if you’ve never gone down on anyone before.

Here’s how to begin.

1. Start with Self-Awareness

It’s hard to feel confident with someone else if you’re disconnected from your own body or pleasure. Spend time getting to know your own desires. Explore what feels good to you. Notice what turns you on. This is not selfish. It’s foundational. The more at home you are in your own body, the more ease you’ll feel with another’s. And actually staying in your body while pleasuring hers will help you read her better, and help her feel more. 

2. Learn About Anatomy and Pleasure

There’s no shame in not knowing everything. Most of us never got a real sex education. Take time to understand the full structure of the vulva and clitoris, including parts that aren’t visible. Every woman’s body is different. The more you know about the range of possibilities, the better equipped you’ll be to discover what feels good to each unique partner.

3. Slow Down and Get Curious

Confidence doesn’t come from doing a list of “moves.” It comes from staying tuned in. Try to bring curiosity rather than performance anxiety. Ask your partner what she likes. Listen to her breath, sounds, and body language. Stay connected and responsive. This kind of attunement builds trust and turns anxiety into intimacy.

4. Communicate Before and During

You can ask, “Is this pace okay?” or “Would you like more pressure or less?” Many women fear that talking during sex will be awkward, but it often builds connection and increases pleasure. You’re not supposed to read her mind. Asking questions shows care and confidence, not ignorance.

5. Work With Your Nerves, Not Against Them

Feeling nervous is not a sign that something’s wrong. It’s a sign that something matters. Take a few deep breaths. You can even say aloud, “I feel a little nervous because I really want this to be good for you.” Most people will find that honesty sweet and disarming.

6. Practice Self-Compassion

It’s okay if everything doesn’t go smoothly. There may be moments of awkwardness or uncertainty. That’s normal. What matters most is your willingness to keep showing up with care and presence. You don’t need to be a sex goddess. You just need to be real, respectful, and responsive.

7. Celebrate, Don’t Compare

We live in a culture that often equates sex with performance. Lesbian sex can be a powerful antidote. There is no “right” way to do oral sex. There is only the way that feels good, safe, and connected for you and your partner. Celebrate the uniqueness of each experience instead of comparing yourself to others or to imagined standards.

8. Don't Try To Be An Eating-Out Expert

To be frank, one of my worst oral sex experiences was with a longtime lesbian who was certain she was great at it. According to her, all of her other girlfriends had told her so. Frankly, that makes me suspicious. It's hard for me to believe they all liked the same thing. But even if they did, I didn't. 

She would get in there and grind her face around. I would literally be inching away from her on the mattress. She was having a great time, but it was way too overstimulating for me, to the point of being unpleasant.

Now, it's okay if oral sex is actually more for the giver than the receiver, at times, as long as the receiver is willing and not too uncomfortable. But this needs to be clarified :)

9. Your End Goal Need Not Be Orgasm

Some women's favorite way to orgasm is from oral sex. Others will never come that way. And many are somewhere in between. But when someone feels pressured to come almost always prevents coming! And when someone feels pressured to "give" an orgasm via oral sex, and their tongue gets tired, or they're in an uncomfortable position, that's no fun either.

10. There Are Lots Of Ways Oral Sex Can Contribute To A Sexual Experience 

Oral sex can be a warm-up act for another kind of sex later. Or, it can be the main event, in which case there's likely to be a lot of other warm-up needed first. It can be a pleasurable interlude between other fun things. It can be a tease. It can focus on someone's inner thighs or the area all around her clit, rather than on the clit itself. The most important things to keep in mind are the recipient's pleasure, the giver's well-being, and the connection that results. 

How To Eat Pussy Like A Champ

One of my sex coaching school classmates, Dr. Aly Ash, teaches a class by that title. I don't know if many of us want to be champs, but her spoken word poem "How To Eat My Pussy," was a marvel. My favorite thing about her work is the way she takes this thing so many of us have felt insecure about on either the giver or the receiver side, or both, and elevates it into a learnable, teachable skill. 

Final Thoughts

You deserve to feel empowered in your sexuality. So does your partner. Giving oral sex is not just about technique. It’s about presence, attunement and connection. With practice, curiosity, and compassion, you can turn what once felt scary into something sacred and deeply satisfying.

If you're ready to learn more in a safe, supportive environment, check out our Lesbian Oral Sex, Orgasm & Energy Empowerment Class. Pleasure is our birthright. Let's claim it!