Lesbians: Are You Really A Good Communicator, Or Do You Just Have Verbal Diarrhea?
And Other Secrets Of Effective Lesbian Dating
What would it be like if lesbians actually knew how to date?
What is it about us that leads us to bond so deep, hurt so bad, struggle so hard to let go, and then plunge in all over again, often without having really learned what we did wrong the last time, or having any confidence we can do it differently?
I'm talking about myself here! I followed that pattern so many times, and it brought me so much pain. It took years to realize I had a choice. I could learn to do it differently. And pain was a motivator, because if I didn't start doing something different, I was going to end up in full-soul traction.
I was going for the same mix of chemistry and tenderness again and again. I was attracted to women who needed rescuing, women less than fully at ease in their bodies (I would heal them!), women who gave me less than I gave them (that's okay, I was used to it, I learned that pattern in childhood and it was a default I'd barely even examined.)
The truth is, when I had partners who tried to give to me, I fended them off without even realizing it!
From the standpoint I have now, I see so many other things I did wrong. For instance, I thought I was a good communicator. In fact, I had highly emotional verbal diarrhea (yuck, sorry, but it's true.) I would feel strong feelings and triggers and overwhelm my partners with them.
I didn't have a clue how to step back, regulate my own nervous system, calm down, sort through what if anything I really needed to communicate, and then choose a good time and use constructive words. Instead, even though what I desperately wanted was more closeness, I ended up starting a lot of fights, pushing my GF away, then chasing after her. You can guess how well all this went!
I also didn't understand about limerence. Time after time I would get drawn in by that magical brain-drug cocktail our bodies produce in the first 2-3 months of bonding. Each time, I believed the drugs. "She's the one! This time it will work!"
I would attach to a new person right away, with very little attention to understanding who she really was. When I saw red flags, I'd ignore them, thinking "Well, nobody's perfect." I "dated" (if you can call it that) like a race car driver in a car that hasn't been taken to the shop in years, without wearing a seatbelt. So why was I surprised when I kept smashing into brick walls?
I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. The power move I finally made was to stop pointing the finger outward at all my GFs' and exes' flaws and ambivalence (which they most certainly did have) and start looking within to clean up my own mess. It was life-changing!
It took years and a lot of study, therapy, healing work, shamanic work and more. I had to put the pieces together myself because I couldn't find any body of work that understood *my* experience as a lesbian.
Finally, in 2014 I began teaching workshops for lesbians, and in 2015 my book Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love came out. Since then, Conscious Girlfriend Academy has served women in over 25 countries. We've become an international online school and community which transforms people's lives.
The self-love stories, the friendship stories, and of course the happy romantic relationship stories that keep coming out of the Academy are just unreal! And I am so moved to be a part of it all, as I keep learning, and teaching what I learn, and learning from what I teach.
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