It's human nature: if she gives you mixed messages, runs hot and cold, expresses ambivalence or pulls away and then comes back, you're likely to believe the positive messages, and disregard the others. 

That's exactly the WRONG thing to do. 

I remember an amazing woman I loved, who gave me mixed messages. It wasn't a one-sided relationship; she loved me, too. And some of the time she said and did things that made it seem like she was committed. 

For instance, early on, she said, "There are pockets of fear, but we're going to do this, because we're not idiots."

I focused on the "We're going to do this!" rather than asking about or tracking those "pockets of fear."

She said, "I feel like this is the love of a lifetime." 

And I felt that way, too, so I focused on those words, rather than the times that her eyes literally darted around with fear as I looked at her, or the fact that she hadn't introduced me to any of her friends, and we rarely spent nights together. 

When we were apart, she texted me about feeling like a coyote missing its mate. But when we were together, she sometimes said she wasn't sure she had the capacity for a relationship. 

I tracked the discrepancy, but I chose to believe the first set of messages, the ones I wanted to believe. 

Here's the thing. Most of the time when someone gives you mixed messages, she's not lying. They're all true. 

Mixed messages usually emerge from mixed feelings. She likes or loves you, doesn't want to give you up, but she's scared, maybe even terrified. She wants you and she doesn't want you. 

Naturally, you think, "Well, if I just stick around, the love and wanting will win out."

You hope, "She'll come to trust me over time."

You tell yourself, "This is just due to her childhood. [Or to her earlier relationships.] I'll help her heal."

But from what I have seen and lived out, that rarely happens. And often, the harder you try to convince her that you're trustworthy, the more her alarm bells will go off -- because intense mixed feelings often come from childhood experiences when love really wasn't safe, and until someone does a lot of work to dismantle those old programs, they will win. 

So here's the advice that could save your heart: When someone gives you mixed messages, you need to heed the ways she says No, not the ways she says Yes. 

Because when both sets of feelings are strongly present, the backing-away, shutting-down ones are far more likely to win. At some point deep inside her, it's going to feel like her survival depends on getting away from you. 

Could she work through this? Sure. But most people won't, unless or until they truly hit bottom.  So to save your heart, your time, and potentially your money, release her. Release yourself. You deserve someone who is actually clear and ready. The Lesbian Dating Essentials class will help you get there, whether you've been dating ambivalent women, or you're ambivalent yourself -- or both.  

Ambivalence and mixed feelings are not a sin, and they don't make someone a bad person, much less a narcissist. But they do make messes. That's why all our courses include the kind of "parts work" that can help you get on the same page with yourself, rather than having to go through life, or love, with a competing, conflicting chorus of voices and impulses inside you. 

Wherever you are on your dating trajectory, the Conscious Girlfriend message to you is simple. You deserve the love you want - and no matter what has happened in the past, you can learn how to find and create it! Your relationship destiny truly is in your hands (even though it might not always feel that way).