We talk a lot about how to recognize and respond to red flags when dating. You know, those little things you see but would rather not see, that give you cause for concern... before you tell yourself, "Damn, she looks good in red!" or "Well, nobody's perfect, who am I to judge,?" and bury your head in the sand.

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Hopefully you'll learn to pay careful attention to red flags, not ignore them, because ignoring them IS a recipe for heartbreak. But that's a topic for a different blog. Today I want to talk about green flags, those signs that could tell you it's actually safe to proceed with dating and knowing this person.

Green flags have nothing to do with how attractive someone is, how physically healthy she is, how much money she makes, what kind of car she drives, or how long she's been out of the closet. Instead, they have to do with how much self-knowledge and emotional skill someone has.

One of my favorite authors, Lissa Rankin, has a great blog post about this, "How Can You Tell Who Is Trustworthy?" (It's really worth reading the whole thing.)

She says that emotional regulation is a big green flag when you're looking for someone trustworthy, and adds:

"No one is perfectly regulated. But trustworthy people aren’t walking volcanoes. They don’t routinely yell, rage, stonewall, sulk, or explode. You don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around their feelings to keep the peace.

They don’t shut down completely or leave you to carry the emotional weight alone. Nor do they offload all their feelings onto you in ways that feel overwhelming or inappropriate. They’re not dumping. They’re not performing emotional exhibitionism. But they’re not withholding either.

They can say, “I’m feeling tender right now,” or “That hit a nerve,” or “Can we take a break and come back to this?”

You get the sense that they’ve done some work to befriend their emotions—and their parts—and they’re not letting those parts drive the car.

Wow, that nails it! How many of us (okay, I'm speaking for myself here!) have fallen for women who might have been amazing in so many other ways -- i.e. beautiful face, gorgeous body, great smile, made me laugh, great kisser, brilliant mind, deep heart, great lover, high achiever, and so on -- yet, to be honest, were walking volcanoes, at least some of the time?

This means that even if they were amazing, they weren't trustworthy, by Lissa Rankin's definition. And that tracks with my experience, because no matter how many other wonderful qualities these women had, that fundamental lack of trustworthiness meant the relationship couldn't work.

Not because the woman was a narcissist, or cold-hearted, or didn't care about me. Simply because she hadn't done the emotional work, and developed the emotional skill, to be what Conscious Girlfriend calls a "catch," i.e. someone who's a good bet to be a girlfriend or partner.

Here's what CATCH stands for. These are qualities to cultivate in yourself, if you want a healthy relationship, as well as to look for in someone else.

C - Compassionate toward self and others

A - Aware of what you feel when you feel it

T - Tolerate your feelings without blowing up, shutting down or self-medicating

C - Communicate without blame, self-blame or defensiveness

H - Happy to learn and grow

It takes work to become a CATCH, just as it takes work to become trustworthy. But as we say in the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, if you've got the H -- the willingness to grow -- you can build all of the other skills. And being a CATCH will make you trustworthy.

To learn how to become a CATCH, and/or find one, see our upcoming classes here

As Lissa Rankin adds in her article, "How Can You Tell Who Is Trustworthy?" (and again, I highly recommend that you read the whole piece):

"If you didn’t grow up with people like this, you may not know how to recognize these qualities- or how to trust them when they appear. Part of healing from relational trauma is letting yourself receive safe love. Letting yourself believe that trustworthy people exist. Because they do.

If you’re on this path, learning to trust your own inner compass, befriending your parts, and anchoring in your Self, you’re becoming a more trustworthy person too.

You don’t have to be perfect to be trustworthy. None of us are. But you do have to be real. And you have to be willing to be accountable, kind, humble, and human.

So if you’ve been burned, if your nervous system still flinches when someone reaches out, if your inner protectors are guarding your heart with barbed wire—take heart. You’re not wrong for being cautious. But keep looking for the green flags. Keep honoring your inner radar. Keep choosing truth over performance, curiosity over control, integrity over charm.

Trust is not something to give away lightly. It’s something you build—one safe, sacred, soul-aligned moment at a time."

The great thing is, if you want to become more of a CATCH, and find a CATCH... or, in Lissa Rankin's terms, if you want to become more trustworthy, and find someone else who is waving a big green flag of trustworthiness, too... and if you want to learn to let your guard down, but only in measured ways, and only when it's actually safe...

...all of that is doable, and you don't have to go it alone. We have a whole community of lesbians and queer women on that path in Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and would love to support you, too. Learn more about our program here.