"It's been [X months or years] and I still miss her. Do I need to force myself to move on, and how would I even do that? Or could we still have a chance?"
If you've wondered this, I get it. I've been there. Lesbians and queer women love and bond hard, and then our bonds often get messed up by triggers. But the love is still there.
Plus, you already invested so much time with her. She knows your quirks, and you know hers. You share history.
So it's natural to wonder whether there's a way -- whether there could be a way -- to do it over, with a happy ending this time.
Is that even possible? Or would trying just mean entering into a fruitless trauma-bonded cycle of just hitting up against the same pain points over and over and over again, hurting yourself and each other even more?
Of course, you know already that there's not just one answer to these questions.
Occasionally people part, change, do some deep levels of work, get more honest with themselves, and are able to come back together in a healthy, happy way. Both people have really grappled with who they are and what they need, and are able to accept the other person for who she is. Both of them have the skills, capacity and commitment to work with their triggers differently, separately and together.
A whole new beautiful landscape can emerge!
I've seen it happen.
But, let's be real, it's not the most common thing that happens when lesbian exes try again.
Most commonly, people part, miss each other, haven't really changed much, haven't really grappled with the issues and triggers that were their undoing before, and just glide back together on a vortex of lesbian H&D (hope and denial) -- and then repeat their patterns again. And sometimes again. And again... creating a full-fledged trauma bond like the song that says "I can't live... with or without you," shredding whatever actual love was there in the beginning, and shredding their own hearts and nervous systems, too.
If you want to be in that "occasionally" rather than that "most commonly" category, I've got a recommendation you may not have thought of: our Lesbian Dating Essentials class starting September 20.
Huh? Why would you want a dating class, if you're considering trying to get back with your ex?
Because a big part of the course journey involves taking stock of yourself as a partner: understanding your own patterns and blocks, wounds and coping mechanisms and attachment templates, through a lens infused with compassion.
Really coming to understand that there's nothing wrong with you. You are who you are. And, it's possible for you to change -- and the best way to get there is actually, surprisingly, through acceptance, and then curiosity... and then the kind of skill-building we'll do in class, along with the supportive community of like-minded lesbians and queer women on similar paths.
I've seen women go through this course, prepare themselves to find someone else, and then realize their heart now holds a whole new set of possibilities with someone they've previously loved.
Now, it's not coming from that "I can't live without you" or "I'm trauma-bonded to you with lesbian superglue and I'm convinced there is no one else in the world I could ever love" place.
It's coming from viscerally knowing that there are many other interesting, attractive, aavailable lesbians in the world (because you've met a bunch of them)...
Feeling the range and depth of your own capacities (and how to grow them)...
Gaining insights and perspectives and tools you never had before...
And then discovering that, if your ex has done the same, something truly new might be possible between you, that recaptures the best of what you already had, without having to go down the same painful road that split you apart.
Again, I've seen it work.
I've also seen women go through Lesbian Dating Essentials and get clear that they would never want to try again with their ex. Looking at that relationship more clearly, they can see that the compatibility just wasn't there, and never would be. They can unhook from whatever had hooked them, and truly move on, knowing they want and need something different, and they are growing the capacity to find and create it.
And in that case, the letting-go that had felt impossible to achieve before... now happens smoothly, easily, naturally.
So either way, you win!
The Lesbian Dating Essentials Course is a powerful way to get ready to date or get ready for whatever is next on your heart and soul's journey. Come to our free or $1.00 Q&A (sign up below) to learn more -- or just go ahead and register for Lesbian Dating Essentials here. It only happens once a year, and it starts in just over 2 weeks.
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